Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, a day to remember and spare a thought for all those who have endured the loss of a baby before or after birth.
I never in my life, ever imagined that I would be one of those women...
For those who are new to my blog, I lost a baby at 9 weeks, almost a year ago (8th November, 2009). I had what is known as a missed miscarriage. At 8 weeks pregnant I went to the hospital with bleeding to find that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat present. They could not confirm whether I was miscarrying and booked me in for another scan a week later to see if there was any growth. James and I spent a horrendous week in limbo. The waiting was so painful.
At the next scan they took the measurements of the baby and noted a miniscule size difference, which could have been down to the fact that it was a different Dr. measuring it. The Dr. told us it was bad news, but at the same time told us that because of the tiny size difference, they could not legally advise me of my options. They told me to come back in another week. The sonographer who performed the (internal) scan was a little rough and I had a feeling she had prompted things to happen naturally.
I lost the baby 3 days later on Sunday, 8th November, 2009. It happened at about 9.00pm. Losing the baby was the most terrifying thing to happen in my life. It seemed like hours but was in fact less than 20 minutes. Then it was over. I KNEW it was over. I arranged a scan for Monday morning, but I knew they would confirm that the pregnancy was over and the miscarriage was finished.
The appointment confirmed that everything was gone. I remember feeling relief that the ordeal was over and that my body was able to take care of everything itself without me needing to have the operation. It felt surreal that we ever went through that fortnight.
To this day it feels surreal that we went through it.
The pain of losing a baby doesn't go away, but it hurts a little less. I think about the baby very very often and in my head I imagine that he would have been a boy... a little brown haired brother for Ollie and he should have been about 4 months now.
I'm scared that it might happen again someday. Will I ever enjoy a pregnancy the way I enjoyed my pregnancy with Ollie, or will I spend my next pregnancy/ies scared for a solid 9 months?
Something that brought me a lot of comfort is the photo at the top of this post. It came 4 months after we lost the baby. It's beautiful isn't it? It arrived in my inbox the morning after a particularly gloomy day and came from a wonderful couple who live in Australia.... they are the people behind To Write Their Names In The Sand. This couple lovingly write the names of lost babies and children, in the sand at sunset. They draw lovehearts in the sand for those who have miscarried but not named their babies.
It melted my heart to know that someone took the time to draw a loveheart in the sand, in Australia especially for MY little lost bean. Something really special had been done for our baby and this photo just makes me feel warm.
I won't ever forget my little lost baby.