Friday, October 15, 2010

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day


Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, a day to remember and spare a thought for all those who have endured the loss of a baby before or after birth.

I never in my life, ever imagined that I would be one of those women... 

For those who are new to my blog, I lost a baby at 9 weeks, almost a year ago (8th November, 2009).  I had what is known as a missed miscarriage.  At 8 weeks pregnant I went to the hospital with bleeding to find that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat present.  They could not confirm whether I was miscarrying and booked me in for another scan a week later to see if there was any growth.  James and I spent a horrendous week in limbo.  The waiting was so painful.

At the next scan they took the measurements of the baby and noted a miniscule size difference, which could have been down to the fact that it was a different Dr. measuring it.  The Dr. told us it was bad news, but at the same time told us that because of the tiny size difference, they could not legally advise me of my options.  They told me to come back in another week.  The sonographer who performed the (internal) scan was a little rough and I had a feeling she had prompted things to happen naturally.

I lost the baby 3 days later on Sunday, 8th November, 2009.  It happened at about 9.00pm.  Losing the baby was the most terrifying thing to happen in my life.  It seemed like hours but was in fact less than 20 minutes.  Then it was over.  I KNEW it was over.  I arranged a scan for Monday morning, but I knew they would confirm that the pregnancy was over and the miscarriage was finished.

The appointment confirmed that everything was gone.  I remember feeling relief that the ordeal was over and that my body was able to take care of everything itself without me needing to have the operation.  It felt surreal that we ever went through that fortnight.

To this day it feels surreal that we went through it.  

The pain of losing a baby doesn't go away, but it hurts a little less.  I think about the baby very very often and in my head I imagine that he would have been a boy... a little brown haired brother for Ollie and he should have been about 4 months now.

I'm scared that it might happen again someday.  Will I ever enjoy a pregnancy the way I enjoyed my pregnancy with Ollie, or will I spend my next pregnancy/ies scared for a solid 9 months?

Something that brought me a lot of comfort is the photo at the top of this post.  It came 4 months after we lost the baby.  It's beautiful isn't it?  It arrived in my inbox the morning after a particularly gloomy day and came from a wonderful couple who live in Australia.... they are the people behind To Write Their Names In The Sand.  This couple lovingly write the names of lost babies and children, in the sand at sunset.  They draw lovehearts in the sand for those who have miscarried but not named their babies.

It melted my heart to know that someone took the time to draw a loveheart in the sand, in Australia especially for MY little lost bean.  Something really special had been done for our baby and this photo just makes me feel warm.

I won't ever forget my little lost baby.

10 comments:

  1. I lost my first pregnancy at 5 weeks, not only was I heartbroken, but scared that I would not be able to carry a child at all. Thankfully, we waited the recommended time, tried again, and conceived right away. I worried and worried until the ten week ultrasound - and everything looked great! I am at 18 weeks now and doing well, I hope the same for everyone who has experienced such a loss!

    ReplyDelete
  2. The picture is beautiful. I am so very sorry for ur loss. We take so much for granted during pregnancies and find that we (I) complain too much. The idea of actually losing a baby in my belly shakes me to the core. Wishing u the best.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I too lost a baby, my second pregnancy at 6-7 weeks. It was horrible. Very similar to your experience. You're right... the pain of it never goes away but it gets a little bit easier.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is a beautiful picture. I can't imagine losing a child...My heart aches at the thought. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Crystal

    ReplyDelete
  5. We lost our 3rd child. I think about that little baby every.single.day.

    Here's the link to my story
    http://aprilemery.blogspot.com/2009/01/in-arms-of-angel.html

    ReplyDelete
  6. I understand your feeling, I can imagine your pain. Know your baby is always with you. I am really sorry for you loss.
    I also lost a baby, mine was at 7 months, I was in the us army and didn't realize I was even pregnant. I worked out too much and ended up having a still birth. Then a year later my daughter Alexis was born at 43 weeks 5 days. She had her cord wrapped around her neck and passed two months and ten days later. Alexis would be 9 this year.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am sorry for your loss. It is still quite new for you.

    I lost a baby at 13 weeks. I had a missed miscarriage too. I went for a scan as I was feeling very poorly and morning sickness had stopped suddenly. The scan showed a baby at 9 weeks and no heartbeat so the baby had died a few weeks earlier.
    I was booked in the next day, not as a pregnant mum to be but as a gynae patient to have a D&C.

    This all happened 14 years ago and I have since gone on to have another 2 healthy babies.
    I take the view that my lost baby was not strong enough and would have suffered if he/she had made it.
    You will never forget your baby but it does get a little easier.


    carol

    ReplyDelete
  8. Emma, the pain of a miscarriage never truly goes away, but it gets easier as time passes. I lost my first baby 7 years ago and I still find myself thinking about it at least once a day. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that pain.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Found this post on your blog. I'm so sorry for your loss and I know personally that even after a year it doesn't feel any better.

    I lost ours in March 2008 through an ectopic tubal pregnancy. It ruptured March 17, 2008. It was the most terrifying experience for me and I am thankful to be alive.

    thank you for posting your thoughts.
    Amy

    ReplyDelete
  10. Found this post on your blog. I'm so sorry for your loss and I know personally that even after a year it doesn't feel any better.

    I lost ours in March 2008 through an ectopic tubal pregnancy. It ruptured March 17, 2008. It was the most terrifying experience for me and I am thankful to be alive.

    thank you for posting your thoughts.
    Amy

    ReplyDelete