...regarding trying for a baby.
Were not trying anymore... at least for the time being. Maybe we will start trying again after Christmas. I was getting to obsessed with it all and it isn't healthy to be so fixated on something. I also think my stress over it might have been hindering the process.
So, I went and got the pill. That might sound strange, but I feel like I can't NOT actively try... I can't just say that we will relax about it... because I can't. It's all or nothing (trying or not trying) for me. I'll be taking the pill for about 4 or 5 months... who knows? Just until I feel better and calm about everything. I want to get the trying out of my head. I need to take a major step back.
This would have been my 10th cycle now since the miscarriage and that's crazy! It is driving me mad not knowing why I have not fallen pregnant yet, but I know that me worrying is making it worse. I need to focus on something else.
I feel like I need to give Ollie all of my attention, instead of wishing for something that is out of my control... I need to get my feet back on the ground and realise just how lucky I actually am! I'm healthy and young and I'll get pregnant and have a healthy baby SOMEDAY, but right now I have Ollie who is so much fun and he needs a happy mummy.
James and I lost a baby that would have been the perfect 2 year age gap, but since we can no longer have the perfect 2 year age gap, why not have the perfect 3 year age gap instead. The more and more I think about it I would love to be pregnant when Ollie starts nursery (next September). That way if a new bubba is stressing him out at home and he is unsettled, he has a place to go during the day to escape (nursery where all his friends are). It also means I won't have a hard time managing both a tantruming toddler and a newborn. The more and more I play it over in my head, the more ideal it sounds. Our net baby would have one on one attention during the day the same as Ollie was able to have.
Taking the pill for the first time gave me a massive surge of relief. I feel like I don't have a care in the world at the minute (at least not stressful cares!). I feel like me again and my mind is clear to think of other things!