The first Dr. who came in to do the ultrasound could not see a thing and I was hopeful that things were completely over. That would have been the better bad news. She got another Dr. to come in to have a look and she saw everything we saw last week. She measured the baby again and noted a slight size difference (even though this could just be due to a different Dr. measuring the baby last week than the one measuring it this week). Even so, she had to note this difference (of less than a mm) which means she can not legally advise of my options without waiting a week to scan again.
The Dr. did tell us it was bad news, but she also said I can not undergo the operation to remove everything without waiting the week. For me, it is the worst news. I really wanted some proper proper closure on the whole thing, but we are waiting around another week. I have already decided that I would like the operation when I am advised of my options on Friday.
As I have had a missed miscarriage (which means the miscarriage is not picked up on until further on after the baby has stopped growing - the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks and I should have been 9 weeks on Thursday) the chances are the baby could still be there between 12 - 14 weeks which is the average time to lose a missed miscarriage. I can't wait that long for things to happen. I just want it to happen, so I can deal with it properly and move on.
I am bleeding at the minute and to be honest (sorry in advance for TMI) it is a lot redder and a lot heavier than before the scan. One of the Drs took a swab with a speculum and everything and it was agony. I think she may have prompted things to start to happen naturally. I might go back on Thursday and be told it is all over and there is nothing left.
I hope this post is making sense. I am finding it hard to write everything down.
I'm dealing ok and so is my hubby, because we had the long week before this scan to come to terms with the fact that it might very possibly be bad news. I think the worst is over us now and I am trying to be really strong and positive about the fact that I have such a wonderful little family here with me to make me feel good and the fact that James and I are still young (he is 29, I am 25) and we have lots of time to have another baby.
I am upset about the fact that things were just so so perfect. The age gap, the time of year the baby would be born... different things.
I have fab friends who are really helping me through this. I know they are they for me if I need to talk about this, or if I need to just talk about normal stuff. I'm very lucky. My family are all helping me so much too.
Ollie has been in the most amazing form and it melts my heart just when I think of how wonderfully behaved he has been the last couple of weeks. He has become so so affectionate and just keeps doing little things that make me smile and laugh even though I'm not feeling good. he just lifts my spirits.
I know we will all be ok. I don't think I will ever get over this completely, and I won't forget my due date or the little baby I should have had on that date, but I will cry less and my heart won't hurt as much.