Saturday, November 7, 2009

Sorry I didn't update sooner (this post might be sensitive or TMI)

Unfortunately James and I received bad news. The baby did in fact stop growing at 6 weeks. We are devastated but are also dealing with it ok. To be honest, I think we had both mentally prepared for bad news the whole week so when we heard it, it was not the biggest shock.

The first Dr. who came in to do the ultrasound could not see a thing and I was hopeful that things were completely over. That would have been the better bad news. She got another Dr. to come in to have a look and she saw everything we saw last week. She measured the baby again and noted a slight size difference (even though this could just be due to a different Dr. measuring the baby last week than the one measuring it this week). Even so, she had to note this difference (of less than a mm) which means she can not legally advise of my options without waiting a week to scan again.

The Dr. did tell us it was bad news, but she also said I can not undergo the operation to remove everything without waiting the week. For me, it is the worst news. I really wanted some proper proper closure on the whole thing, but we are waiting around another week. I have already decided that I would like the operation when I am advised of my options on Friday.

As I have had a missed miscarriage (which means the miscarriage is not picked up on until further on after the baby has stopped growing - the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks and I should have been 9 weeks on Thursday) the chances are the baby could still be there between 12 - 14 weeks which is the average time to lose a missed miscarriage. I can't wait that long for things to happen. I just want it to happen, so I can deal with it properly and move on.

I am bleeding at the minute and to be honest (sorry in advance for TMI) it is a lot redder and a lot heavier than before the scan. One of the Drs took a swab with a speculum and everything and it was agony. I think she may have prompted things to start to happen naturally. I might go back on Thursday and be told it is all over and there is nothing left.

I hope this post is making sense. I am finding it hard to write everything down.

I'm dealing ok and so is my hubby, because we had the long week before this scan to come to terms with the fact that it might very possibly be bad news. I think the worst is over us now and I am trying to be really strong and positive about the fact that I have such a wonderful little family here with me to make me feel good and the fact that James and I are still young (he is 29, I am 25) and we have lots of time to have another baby.

I am upset about the fact that things were just so so perfect. The age gap, the time of year the baby would be born... different things.

I have fab friends who are really helping me through this. I know they are they for me if I need to talk about this, or if I need to just talk about normal stuff. I'm very lucky. My family are all helping me so much too.

Ollie has been in the most amazing form and it melts my heart just when I think of how wonderfully behaved he has been the last couple of weeks. He has become so so affectionate and just keeps doing little things that make me smile and laugh even though I'm not feeling good. he just lifts my spirits.

I know we will all be ok. I don't think I will ever get over this completely, and I won't forget my due date or the little baby I should have had on that date, but I will cry less and my heart won't hurt as much.

46 comments:

  1. I'm very sorry for your loss. My prayers will be with you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so sorry about this news. So very sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I understand Emma. More than you know. Just remember, don't blame yourself. It was nothing you did/didn'tdo/ate/etc. This is a sucky and sad time and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am so sorry to hear this. You are in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  5. So sorry to hear your news. I kept you in my prayers last week and was hoping for a different outcome. I wish you and your family the best and you are right....you still have all the time in the world!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am so sorry!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you. {hugs}

    ReplyDelete
  7. my prayers are with you and your family..............

    ReplyDelete
  8. So very sorry hon. I have been through this too and it just absolutely sucks. My prayers are with you

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh Emma, I am so, so sorry. I know how much your heart hurts. I was just in this same situation only a few short weeks ago. I was almost 10 weeks when I started cramping & bleeding, yet again. When I went in for the ultrasound, they discovered that the baby had stopped growing at 6 1/2 weeks. They did the D&C that week though. I think that's strange that they are making you wait. And wrong. My doctor advised me to get the D&C when I suggested waiting b/c I didn't want to go through the procedure again.

    I had a miscarriage last year, and that one was definitely more heart wrenching b/c I had never had one before & it side swiped me. I had NO inkling that that would EVER happen. This time, I had a suspicion. I was paranoid, but things just weren't right. I stopped feeling sick all together. I kind of just knew already. So while it is never 'easy' or even 'easier', it didn't completely knock the footing out from under us this time.

    I cannot say how sorry I am for your loss. It made me sick to my stomach reading this post, b/c I know so well, that I can feel your pain. I will be saying lots of prayers for you & your husband. Allow your sweet little boy to help you through this. His smile, hugs, love can really help to ease the pain. Hold him close. Kiss him a lot. And spend some time cuddling, and even crying. My daughter comforted me more than anyone else, because small children just have a way. They know. They don't have advice to dole out. One day about a week after it all, I broke down at home. Saylor just crawled up in my lap, and hugged me tight, and laid her head on my shoulder, and just stayed there. I swear, it was more comforting than anything I'd experienced.

    Sorry for all of the rambling.

    Oh, and would you mind if I got your address?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh I am so very sorry for you. I've been keeping you in my thoughts and will continue to do so.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am so sorry for your loss. Keeping you in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through this two months ago. I know how devastating it is. Just take time for yourself to heal mentally and physically

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm so sorry. May I light a candle for you? Good healing energy heading your way from the Northwest.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Came over from Amber Filins site...I am so sorry for your loss. Like Amber I also went through this very same thing, except mine was a few years ago. I sympathize with you and your pain. I know I cannot say any words to make things better, but my thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi Emma
    You dont knw me, I am a blog friend of Ambers.
    My heart is sadden by your news, I too have lost babies. The hardest for us was a girl at 14.5 weeks that we named Claire.
    All I can tell you is this, God is in control, he will hold your heart tenderlly in His hands as you go through the stages of mourning your baby... and good will come out of it, I promise. May God bless you and your family... In Him,
    Jess

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am so sorry you for your loss. I've had one, so I kinda know how you're feeling. But everyone is different. I will pray for for peace and comfort and no pain as you go through this. God bless.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hi Emma,
    I am a friend of Amber's and wanted to come by and let you know how sorry I am for your loss. You and your family will be my prayers.

    ((hugs))
    Jen

    ReplyDelete
  18. Emma,
    I am a friend of Ambers and I wanted to stop by to tell you I am so sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God Bless you and your family!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Emma, I found you through Amber's blog, I am so sorry for your loss and for this tough time. I am sending lots of ((((hugs)))) to you and your family. I hope things look up and get a bit easier soon.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Emma, I really hope that you don't mind, I posted about you on my blog, so people could come over and give you more support. Now I'm wishing I would have asked first, just in case. I just want you to know that people are here for you. Because we are.

    AND I also want to apologize for the really long comment before. I talked about people saying too much, and I hope I didn't do that very same thing. No more advice. Just thoughts & prayers.

    Love, Amber

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh dear Emma! I've popped over from Amber's because I know the pain you're going through all too well. I miscarried a baby that stopped growing at 10 weeks and found out at my 12 wk. ultrasound. I had no bleeding...so was completely unaware...and still having morning sickness. That's irony for you...no baby, but still plenty of symptoms...uh, thanks for not making it more painful than I could've imagined!

    My prayers go out to you and your husband at such a hard time!

    xoxo ~Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  22. Oh dear Emma! I've popped over from Amber's because I know the pain you're going through all too well. I miscarried a baby that stopped growing at 10 weeks and found out at my 12 wk. ultrasound. I had no bleeding...so was completely unaware...and still having morning sickness. That's irony for you...no baby, but still plenty of symptoms...uh, thanks for not making it more painful than I could've imagined!

    My prayers go out to you and your husband at such a hard time!

    xoxo ~Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  23. Emma, I am so sorry for your loss. Words cannot express how sorry I am...I know your sweet angel will be above and watching over you.

    {{{Hugs}}} and prayers coming your way. Again, I am so, so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I am so sorry to hear of your loss- I have gone through the exact same thing 2 times before my 3 blessings came along- just know that everything happens for a reason and God knows what is best for you & your family!

    ~Becca

    ReplyDelete
  25. Hello I came across your blog because of a post done by another blogger. I wanted to come over and let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers as well as your family during this trying time.

    God bless you.


    Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
    Matthew 5:4

    ReplyDelete
  26. I am so sorry to hear this, but I do admire your attitude. Things really do happen for reasons we may never understand and all we can do is have faith and move forward counting the blessing we still have.

    I've been struggling with getting pregnant for the first time and its hard, but your story helps put things in perspective for me, so thank you. Your family will be in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Dear Emma,

    From your post, I know you are strong and you will get through this. You have all my sympathy (*hugs*).

    ReplyDelete
  28. I am so sorry you are going thorugh this , it is a sad loss , I am amazed at how many go through these painful experiences , take care of yourself ,
    my thoughts are with you , I will be checking in ,
    Chris

    ReplyDelete
  29. I was really hoping for a different outcome! I feel like crying now :( I'll still be praying for you though. Stay strong!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Many prayers for you and your family :-) I am sorry to hear about your loss and hope for peace and comfort in the midst of this challenging time. Miki

    ReplyDelete
  31. I am stopping by from Amber's. Oh, Emma, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine what you're going through. I pray that you are able to have the surgery as soon as possible so that you may heal. Peace be with you.

    Hugs ♥
    Liz

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Emma,
    So sorry for your loss! I too have been there, and there is nothing that anyone can say or do to make you feel better.
    Thoughts and prayers to you and your famliy,
    Denissa

    ReplyDelete
  34. I'm so sorry honey! I'll be praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  35. There are no words that I can say that would make things better. I'm just so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  36. My heart goes out to you and your family. My oldest son is named Oliver too. He is 24 though. He is also as much a delight to me as the day he was born. I'll keep you in my prayers this week. I found you through SITS by the way.
    Hugs!
    Jeanette

    ReplyDelete
  37. Emma I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Just know that however you need to grieve is ok and that it will get better. I have had two m/c and thankfully gone on to have 3 beautiful children. I did have one that had to have a d&c. I was 16 weeks and baby stopped growing at 9 or 10w (bad dr). Many prayers for you!

    ReplyDelete
  38. I am so very sorry for your loss. So truly sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I am so sorry! I am keeping you in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I am so very sorry! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  41. first off, {{big hugs}}. you sound like such a strong woman! what a hard thing to go through. i'm glad that you have a wonderful support system in place! sending some thoughts and love your way...

    {stopping over from amber's place}

    ReplyDelete
  42. I can't recall how I found you. The important part is I did and I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel as I have been there myself. I remember having to collect everything that came out to be sure it was all over - in my office bathroom with my boss there to help me as I was crying. It's something you'll never forget but take comfort knowing there are others out there who know how you feel and can truly understand. Ollie is adorable and he will give you the strength to smile even when you don't feel it.

    {{hugs}}

    Cristina

    ReplyDelete
  43. I cannot begin to properly express how my heart is wrenching for you. The nearer I get to possibly becoming a mother myself the more attune I am to how difficult something like this can be to bear.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    ♥Miss Dot

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hi Emma,

    I'm stopping by from Amber's blog.

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I've had two miscarriages and understand what you're going through. :(

    Hang in there Emma. It's nice to meet you although I'm sorry it's under these sad circumstances.

    Much love from NJ,
    Sue
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  45. Stopping in to send you my prayers and support. Will come by again to check on you...sending lot's of ~hugs~

    ReplyDelete