Friday, May 4, 2012

{4} What Am I Afraid Of?

I don't like to talk about what I am afraid of, because then it kind of gets stuck in my head and I keep going round and round in circles thinking about it.  I've thought about it so much on occasion that I've become really panicky and nauseous.

I'm afraid of dying.  I hate thinking about it.  It scares the crap out of me.  It's the whole "What happens?" "How on earth can a person just not BE anymore"... it's hard to describe.

I used to reassure myself when I was younger.... oh there are at least 70 more years until I might die... now as I'm getting older, I count those years down.

It's such an irrational fear... I mean, there is nothing I can do about it!  It's going to happen of course... it just makes me feel claustrophobic and nauseous and scared.  I do think about it too much.  It crosses my mind almost every day.  I'm pretty sure I am going to need counselling or some sort of therapy eventually to help me calm down and accept it for what it is.

The only other thing I am really afraid of is spiders.  Always have been.  It wasn't until we moved into the house we are in now, that I saw the second biggest spider of my life.  Literally inches long and frickin HAIRY.  That's because we live next to a forest.  I ask James to kill any spiders I see, but he won't.  He just puts them outside on the lawn....(and of course they just walk back in!).  I'm not as bad as I was.  If I see a teeny tiny one I will squash it with my hand etc.  The thought of big ones terrifies me though.

The biggest spider I ever saw was when I was in Virginia, US as an Au Pair.  I was sat on the balcony one night looking out the window when something caught my eye... it was moving.  Upon closer inspection I noticed that it was a MASSIVE spider twisting a baby mouse in it's web.  Turning it round and around.  The spider was the size of a childs fist.  As soon as I noticed what it was I ran away to throw up.  Bleugh.

15 comments:

  1. I don't like spiders but only the bigs one like you. I always drag the vacuum cleaner our to suck them up - also keeps them away from me.

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  2. I am the exact same about death. Spiders i can just about handle apart from the hude black hairy ones... Yuck! Love this blogging challenge you star :)

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  3. I'm sensing that spiders is going to be the most common fear today! Ugh YUCK!! There is a photo on my post, just to warn you xx

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  4. Im actually ok with spiders but huge ones i would avoid LOL. Loving reading all these :) great idea xx

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  5. I hate spiders as well, I can't even hoover them up without shuddering and certainly not the big ones. I have gone to a friends house for the day before because there was a huge spider in my front room! x

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  6. I have the same fear of death, spiders I don't mind TJ squeals when he sees one I have to deal with it lol

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  7. Dying doesn't bother me, but spiders certainly do! I've seen some giant spiders in photos that basically make me sick to even look at!

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  8. Funny you saw your biggest spider in Virginia. That's where I am from.

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  9. With you on the spiders - but they aren't my biggest fear!

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  10. The thought of death has always terrified me. It got SO bad a year or so after I had Camryn. I would think about it and worry constantly, it was like I couldn't control my brain. It was part of why I had to go on anxiety medication :/ I still hate the thought of it but I don't think about it all the time or get panicky any more.

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  11. I used to be so scared of death I would have anxiety attacks as well. Then, I somehow wound up converting to Buddhism and my fear of death went away. Odd, but awesome too!

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  12. I used to do the same thing to reassure myself as a kid. I think everyone shares a fear of death; we just have to focus on making every day special.

    Your fear of spiders is completely understandable. My friend just came back from a 3 month training in South America (she's a yoga instructor) and she was told while she was there not to kill the spiders because they kill scorpions. She actually had photos of some of the HUGE spiders on her walls and she named them all (huge lover of nature). I would have DIED. I would not hove gotten a lick of sleep with those giant spiders hanging out on the walls. They were about the size of the one you saw in Virginia.

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  13. hummmm after reading your post I think I want to change my own answer...that's actually pretty scary lol and to think all I have been worried about is frogs lol

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  14. My husband won't kill the spiders either, he just puts them outside in the grass. Whats to stop them from waltzing back into my house?!

    I am loving this blog challenge! Hope to see more in new coming months!

    Tambi @ http://tambijeanne.blogspot.com/

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  15. Hi! I found your blog on Kelly's and was excited when I saw you live in Ireland so now I'm following you. I've been to Ireland many times and will be back May 23rd. We have a time share/vacation home in Killarney that we own for one week every other year! It is great.

    Nice to "meet" you. Your boys are adorable!

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