Saturday, January 8, 2011

Some not so good news...

I mentioned in my post on 2nd January that I had a surprise to share with you all.  Unfortunately I never got the chance to.

James and I found out we were pregnant on Tuesday 28th December with an estimated due date of 7th September 2011.  The test I took had a very definite positive result and James and I were very excited.  It took us 14 months to get pregnant.  I felt so positive about the pregnancy... I thought I would be so scared!  I swore to myself that I wouldn't say "if it all goes ok" at the end of any sentence to do with the pregnancy or the baby.

I was having strong symptoms.  My boobs were so sore... I had stretching pains... was peeing all the time...so tired... nausea at different times of the day.

On 3rd January I woke up and noticed my boobs weren't quite so sore and while out doing the groceries, I noticed my nausea was not making itself known.  I bought some more tests.

I made sure to get a strong sample of urine to test but after the 3 minutes there was no line on the test.  7 days after finding out I was pregnant, the line should have been SO much darker than my first test.  But there was no line there at all.

I tried to figure it all out.... why was this happening?  Why would a line disappear and why would it disappear that fast?

That night I started cramping and after some research online I found out I was having a chemical pregnancy.  Basically this means that I could get a positive test and a few days later a negative one.  This is because I could have become pregnant but the pregnancy only lasted a couple of days before it failed and hormone started to dwindle... I got a faint positive because the hormone was still there and I thought it was a BFP, but a week later it had dwindled enough to be a negative.

I started bleeding on 4th January.  I thought with it being so early it would not be as bad as last time.... but the pain was the same and the bleeding was worse.  The miscarriage itself happened on 6th January.

I'm feeling ok.  I'm upset, but ok.  I keep telling myself that I'm lucky it happened when it did and not further down the line.  I'm also lucky the miscarriage happened itself, almost instantly..... whereas last time it was a whole week and a half before I lost the baby.

This time was different.  This time I am telling myself that I wasn't REALLY pregnant.  There was a bunch of hormones in my body but it never got further than that.  There was nothing in there.  Nothing would have shown on a scan.  Not like last time.  I think it's easier this way... because there was no little bean this time.  I was not far enough along.

It's crap that I now refer to the first miscarriage and the second miscarriage and it makes me wonder.... will I have anymore?

I've carried a healthy baby to term so I know my body can do it.  I hope there is nothing wrong with me and I hope I can carry another healthy baby some day.

I'm glad I've been potty training Ollie this week.  It has really taken my mind off everything and helped keep me upbeat.  He is my little ray of sunshine and I know this week would have been a lot darker without him there being silly, funny and cute.  We were supposed to be in Belfast this week, just Ollie and I, while James worked away here in Dublin, but I didn't want to be without him and I'm glad I wasn't.  We had an amazing family day today and it made me really appreciate what I have here right now.

27 comments:

  1. My thoughts are with you, I hope you remain positive & are able to have another baby soon.

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  2. Thinking of you. I hope your body and spirit heals quickly.

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  3. I'm sorry, hunny. I know exactly what you're feeling and have twice told myself the same thing. thoughts are with you.

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  4. I hope you are feeling better. I have been through it twice myself.
    There will be good days ahead - thoughts are with you!

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  5. I will be praying for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  6. A loss is a loss and hard no matter what. Thinking of you!

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  7. So sorry to hear that! Thinking of you and sending postivie vibes your way!

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  8. I'm so sorry. I've had 2 "chemical" pregnancies and 2 more early miscarriages. Even when it's eary on it still hurts, but know that there is nothing wrong with you! I have two healthy little boys, and I'm sure you will have more too! Glad you had such a great day! Hang in there!

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  9. So so so sorry sweetie! I've had two miscarriages and I also have three daughters, two of which were born after a miscarriage. Pregnancy after loss is possible! *HUGS*

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  10. I'm so sorry for you, I hope that you'll be able to get pregnant again. Stay positive and take care of yourself.

    https://jennoreilly.wordpress.com

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  11. I am so sorry to hear this. I am praying for you and your sweet family.
    I have been following your potty training and you have motivated me to start potty training my son. I had my first and then 2 miscarriages (at young ages) and then had my second 4 years after my first child and then had 2 more kids- so I have 4 all together.
    I really believe in prayer and will be praying for you to have another baby.

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  12. I am so so sorry. :-( I'll be thinking of you guys.

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  13. I have also felt the pain you are going through. Please know that my prayers and good wishes are with you.

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  14. Oh hon, many hugs to you. I have no idea how you must be feeling, but try to remain postive. I will send prayers your way, and focus on your little guy that you have to try and keep your spirits up!

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  15. My thoughts and prayers are with you! I was going to fertility last year and had a chemical pregnancy as well.
    Here if you need someone to talk to!!

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  16. I am praying for you and your family. Every baby is special and I bet this one had already taken a hold of your heart.

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  17. Oh Emma, I am so sorry for the chemical pregnancy. I had one healthy baby, followed by the loss of two babies {one was sick, and one was an early m/c}, but then I went on to have 3 healthy kiddos. I was worried about having more babies after the m/c, but it all worked out. I pray the same for you. And for a little positive note...I just wanted to let you know I awarded your blog the STYLISH BLOG AWARD over on my blog!!

    Ashley
    www.thetremainestory.blogspot.com

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  18. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Chemical or not, it was in your heart and that is something you've lost. I pray that you find peace.

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  19. I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

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  20. I am so sorry about your loss. Enjoy your ray of sunshine.

    LisaDay

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  21. Hugs to you. It's never easy.

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  22. I'm so sorry for your loss. I very much enjoy your blog and hearing all about your adventures with Ollie. Fingers crossed you will be blessed with another but how lucky you are to have your sweet little guy now. It's natural to worry in your circumstances but, hang in there - I did, and I now have 5 kids and 6 grandkids!

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  23. This is hard to handle, no matter what we try to tell ourselves. Thinking of you. {hugs}

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  24. I am so sorry to hear that - I had 1 miscarriage and am worried about the next one myself. The miscarriage makes you so much more cautious about the joy of a pregnancy.

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  25. oh I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost a baby before I was able to share the news with the world. I actually wrote a post doing the same you did ... announcing and de-accouncing the pregnancy.

    the loss of a child can be felt deep and never truly passes.

    most miscarriages are just the miracle of how God created our bodies to operate ... that it will terminate a pregnancy when there is something wrong with the baby that would cause it not to be able to live outside the body. you have carried a baby to term so chances are your miscarriages were just that the baby would not have been able to live outside the womb. this doesn't make it any less painful though, I know. :(

    so sorry for your loss. thanks for opening up this part of your life.

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  26. Wow! Emma I am so sorry to hear about this. It has been a bit since I've been over to visit you. I hate that you had to go through that as I just dealt with the exact same thing in October but it took the doctors almost a month before they could explain what was going on. It definitely took a toll on me. I pray that by now you have been comforted by much support. I am so with you on the thought of not being sure if there will be anymore. I have totally left it up to chance. If its meant to be - then it will happen. We'll see!
    Have a great day!

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