I mentioned in my post on 2nd January that I had a surprise to share with you all. Unfortunately I never got the chance to.
James and I found out we were pregnant on Tuesday 28th December with an estimated due date of 7th September 2011. The test I took had a very definite positive result and James and I were very excited. It took us 14 months to get pregnant. I felt so positive about the pregnancy... I thought I would be so scared! I swore to myself that I wouldn't say "if it all goes ok" at the end of any sentence to do with the pregnancy or the baby.
I was having strong symptoms. My boobs were so sore... I had stretching pains... was peeing all the time...so tired... nausea at different times of the day.
On 3rd January I woke up and noticed my boobs weren't quite so sore and while out doing the groceries, I noticed my nausea was not making itself known. I bought some more tests.
I made sure to get a strong sample of urine to test but after the 3 minutes there was no line on the test. 7 days after finding out I was pregnant, the line should have been SO much darker than my first test. But there was no line there at all.
I tried to figure it all out.... why was this happening? Why would a line disappear and why would it disappear that fast?
That night I started cramping and after some research online I found out I was having a chemical pregnancy. Basically this means that I could get a positive test and a few days later a negative one. This is because I could have become pregnant but the pregnancy only lasted a couple of days before it failed and hormone started to dwindle... I got a faint positive because the hormone was still there and I thought it was a BFP, but a week later it had dwindled enough to be a negative.
I started bleeding on 4th January. I thought with it being so early it would not be as bad as last time.... but the pain was the same and the bleeding was worse. The miscarriage itself happened on 6th January.
I'm feeling ok. I'm upset, but ok. I keep telling myself that I'm lucky it happened when it did and not further down the line. I'm also lucky the miscarriage happened itself, almost instantly..... whereas last time it was a whole week and a half before I lost the baby.
This time was different. This time I am telling myself that I wasn't REALLY pregnant. There was a bunch of hormones in my body but it never got further than that. There was nothing in there. Nothing would have shown on a scan. Not like last time. I think it's easier this way... because there was no little bean this time. I was not far enough along.
It's crap that I now refer to the first miscarriage and the second miscarriage and it makes me wonder.... will I have anymore?
I've carried a healthy baby to term so I know my body can do it. I hope there is nothing wrong with me and I hope I can carry another healthy baby some day.
I'm glad I've been potty training Ollie this week. It has really taken my mind off everything and helped keep me upbeat. He is my little ray of sunshine and I know this week would have been a lot darker without him there being silly, funny and cute. We were supposed to be in Belfast this week, just Ollie and I, while James worked away here in Dublin, but I didn't want to be without him and I'm glad I wasn't. We had an amazing family day today and it made me really appreciate what I have here right now.